This evening’s blog is a bit off topic as it is not about CB but rather about my dealings with the loss of my grammy. My grammy passed away last week and I realized I am still heavily mourning her loss of life. Just about anytime someone asks me about her, tears roll down my cheeks. Or someone can talk about something else sad to them and those same tears form and roll steadily down my face. As much as I would love to be that person that is the most empathetic person you know, that is not normally me. I try, I do, but generally tears do not flow that easily with me. Don’t get me wrong, when my hormones are fluctuating during those specific times of the month, I can cry over anything. (I am still waiting for my hormones to normalize a bit more. HB stopped nursing earlier this year and my hormones are still trying to figure out how to act appropriately.)
My grammy and granddaddy were my closest neighbors growing up and were a huge part of my childhood. My grandaddy passed away 8 years ago. My grammy lived on and remained in her home. She has been on hospice for the past 3 years (and the Dr told my mom she wouldn’t last one month after they put her on hospice) so I have had time to prepare for her passing. Just under a week prior to her death, a health situation occurred that caused her to go downhill quickly and I got the chance to see her and tell her goodbye before she lost recognition of those around her. I got the chance to have “closure”. Even with that “closure”, I am still mourning our lost connection, her symbolic role in the family, the heartache my mom and aunts are enduring, and the loss of one more of my dear grandparents.
There will be no more stories of her childhood, old boyfriends, her jobs before marriage, her marriage to my granddaddy, her early years as a mother of 5 and caregiver to her in-laws, her life on the farm, and no more shared secrets. I can’t hold her hand anymore, give her a hug or see her smile. I can’t tell her I love her. I can’t tell her that she is one of the strongest women in my life and one of my role models. I think after anyone close passes away, there is always that phase of wishing you could have done more or recorded more conversations or could remember more (accurately). I should have written more letters and visited her more.
My grammy’s home is that side of my family’s gathering place for holidays and other occasions. She was my last living grandparent who remained in their home. I have too many memories in that home to count. I believe I became an avid tree climber due to all the perfect climbing trees in the front yard. My love of games grew from the countless games I played with my granddaddy, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, significant others, and friends in that home. Learned how fun it can be to ride in the cabin and raised up high in the front bucket of a tractor outside that home and that garter snakes crawling on you feels cool and a little creepy at the same time. My appreciation for a balanced life of hard work and indulging in what makes you happy. My direct knowledge of knowing I could never be a farmer. (I have hoed my share of peanuts, moved tons of rocks, and fed quite a few cows). Part of my independence grew out of my freedom to roam my grandparents’ land on my own or just with friends or cousins throughout my childhood. I have a pretty good understanding of the popular soap operas and games from my early elementary school years to my middle school years. Oh grammy loved Young and the Restless and Days of their Lives. As the World Turns fell close behind.
My hesitance to move further away from family is directly related to my relationship with my grandparents. I want my kids to experience something like what I had. Times have changed and I don’t want to live in a small town like I did, but I want my kids to feel close to my parents and my in-laws and for my kids to get to share that close connection that I felt. I am fortunate to have that now.
The reality is that even without that specific health situation that caused the quick health decline, my grammy didn’t have that long to live. Her heart was not healthy and that was originally why she was on hospice care. She was one strong lady though. And she was able to remain in her home and pass away in her own bed with her family by her side. Her serious decline lasted less than a week. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for her, for her life, all that she has shared while she was living, and my wonderful memories that will always remain close to my heart.
Grammy I love you!